Charity does NOT begin at brown

Dear Dr. Bones,

Now *here* is a fun Vision for you, sir: Don Neutrino accompanyin’ Lady Bountiful as she makes her rounds of (specifically) the (Brown) Bad Poor.

Lady B., though, would probably object to the size of the proposed Gingrichian retainer at the outset, an’ the negotiations would get no farther. If that obstacle were surmounted, there would be the continuin’ levels of Gingrichocentric overhead an’ egohead ever after.

I expect Bounty will prefer to spend of her own unassisted, rather than take to politics in a sieve captained by Master Newt [1] an’ with course steered by Don Rubenito from the stables of Simon Pajama.

No great loss, for Party-of-Grant Jumblies wouldn’t want to make the voyage in any case. ¿Why should they travel, who are already here? [2]

To flat-out change the subject, my recent listening to, study of, whightist radio in Greater Boston has given me a fresh insight into the Republicanine Dittopan [3] , as follows: the kiddiecons’ favorite Exmas charity is, by several landslides, the USO. Or rather, a variety of USO spin- or rip-offs of the kiddies’ own, conducted by (I presume) more politically reliable moneythrowers. Allow me to disrecommend, for example, this crew, though admittedly the pet g@@gle just had an encounter with ’em, an’ they do not, as far as I know, advertise on the Three Weird Sisters. [4]

I ask you, Bones, ¿what better cause can ScroogeBank, an’ Warbucks Defense Widgets, an’ maybe even a few non-corporate citizens of exceptional Vi®tue an’ Wisdo™, find to throw a little money at for self-ostentation purposes than ‘warrors’ an’ ‘heroes’? The Brown Poor simply aren’t in the same league, object-of-charitywise. [5]

For consider the public Exmas givin’ quandry of Ebenezer XIV or Oliver VIIII or Firstlord Murdoch or the Koch Siblin’s: "¿How. oh ¿how?," wonders the kiddiecons’ Uncle Ebb to himself,"Can WE ever be absolutely sure that OUR generous, if WE don’t say so OURSELVES, benefactions will not fall into unwhighteous hands, dirty hands of Bad Poors who pull the lever for Lieberalism an’ for Demonocracy?"

Now to give exclusively to Heroic Warriors is not *absolutely* safe, but I betcha it sure beats whatever comes second. [6]

Indeed, Dr. Bones, perhaps we should reconsider our recent decision to abolish the traditional category of "good poor" and reinstate it with "persons of (State) violence, current or former" as (for now, at least) sole occuopants of the pigeonhole. Reconfigured like that, the category would mystify a Brit Victorian accustomed to the real thing--¡fancy Tommy Atkins crowding out the widows and orphans!--but I daresay not many Brit Vicks will be writing to the Times of Murdoch to protest in the year of religionism 1433-2012-5772.

Happy days.
--JHM

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[1] In Spanshlingo, _el tritón_. In the dielect of Rio Limbaugh, at least. Madrid and Buenos Aires, I dunno about for sure.

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[2] "¿Why must they travel, who are NOT here?" is no doubt the key question about crimmigrants an’ criminaliens , but I’m in a Buckley Minor (or Plutarchus-of-Chæronea mood and prefer not to crudely talk about my own announced subject before everybooby is thoroughly bored with what I do talk about instead.

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[3] The RK9 DP is identical with the late Perfesser Kirk’s "conservative mind."

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[4] For those of them at Rio Limbaugh (or Shanghai or Bangalore), Princess Goneril is WTKK-FM 96.9, and Princess Regan (no relation to Ronald XL) is WRKO AM 680, while poor Cinderella must content herself with Party Neocomrade (seventh grade) J. X. Katz, an’ fifty thousand watts at twelve hundred wingocycles of modified amplitude. Plus also the Witch Doctor of Democracy. Mizz Cindy used to call herself "Rush Radio 1200" but then suddenly that stopped. Puppy love amongst the kiddiecons no doubt has its quarrels.

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[5] With rare individual exceptions. Brownies of the male persuasion who enlist as violence pros presumably qualify for free cellphones (or whatever bennies) on the same terms an’ conditions as those who look more like _bonâ fide_ Americanoe rifletoters.

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[6] Almost certainly what comes second is dread diseases. And the reason is plain: Uncle Ebb an’ Daddy Ollie _y Tio Ruperto_ are nearly as likely to die of them personally as are _señores las indocumentadas y los indocumentados_ or those with that involuuntary servitude problem in their pre-1865 background. Legally, the American Cancer Society is a charity, but from the psychological standpoint of a TopPercenter, to fund heroic tumorfighters, in moderation, is no doubt much more like a prudent an’ thoroughly selfocentric specuvestment. Even if all the Pasteurs an’ Schweitzers an’ Salks an’ Cricks an’ Watsons voted Demoncrat to a man, that deplorable exxentricity would hardly matter, because there are very few of them.

Furthermore, if the lucky number does come up before Uncle Ebb ‘passes’, almost certainly succesful tumorfightin’ will be so expensive in most cases that nonpercenters need not apply. Best of all, probably, from the Ebenezeroid or Oliverite perspective, will be all the wheelin’ an’ dealin’ an’ specuvestin’ in stocks an’ shares of new secret-sector business corporations specializin’ in Big Cancer. The Bad Poor will have no better chance of gettin’ rich off the Great Tumor Boom of 2023 than of getting healed by the wunnerdrugs.

But Galen knows best.